My brother Phillip.
Author: Lidiana Martinian, Samara University
It`s Monday morning, and I`m standing in front of the office trying to calm down, but I can`t. I will have to carry out a survey among mentally ill people. It is something that I have never thought about, something I have never imagined or wanted to do, it`s a disaster, and I am going to take part in it. My name is Alison Wright, I`m 29 years old, I work as a research assistant in a newly opened department of the World Health Organization. It`s not that I don`t want to perform my duties at work, it`s the fear that I am not competent enough to stand the talking and sharing with broken people. After having thoroughly studied people`s behavioral patterns I`ve come to believe as I`m getting older that I desperately need to continue to do this. Yes, it is my current life obsession, but I have no desire to be involved either professionally or voluntarily in the depths of the human soul. My problem is that I am a person of discordant nature who has tension between professional attitude and personal feelings. I can spend hours studying aspects of psychoanalysis, I am the most dispassionate observer when it comes to learning everything about a human being. So, here am I standing in front of the head`s door. His name is Anthony Williams. He is tough. I knew the answers to all his questions five minutes ago, but now when I look at him, I don`t know how to speak. He is a man of fifty with grey hair and clear blue eyes. When he learns that he has a problem, and the work is not going on as usual, he just eliminates the root of it.
“What`s the matter, Alison?”
“Mr. Williams, I just wanted to clarify the intent of this survey, as I cannot quite understand the main idea of it as…”
“As you were previously told how to conduct the survey by our chief scientist, I do not see any reason to tell you more.”
“I completely understand how to deal with it, the matter is I`m not really sure we should work with mentally ill people. I mean, what kind of information could they possibly provide? This year`s research is focused on the basics of the human mind and behavior in terms of family relationships. We have started with sane people, which is logical, and should continue working with them.”
Suddenly I realized that I made a huge mistake. Mr.William`s eyes turned into the same color of his soul. Two black guns stared at me.
“Ms.Wright, could you tell me how long have you been working here?”
I swallowed before responding.
“Two years and three months, sir”
“How long has our organization been working?”
“More than seventy years, sir”
“Am I correct in surmising that you claim to know better than our organization which class of people to choose for the survey?”
“No, sir. I mean, yes, I understand that my personal experience is not even comparable to that of our organization and…”
“Ms. Wright, I can see that you are a very committed and enthusiastic employee here, but since you are too young and inexperienced, I think it might be better if you let your superiors decide on the format of studies.”
“I am sorry if I made you think…”
“Besides, you have recently accumulated a string of errors which have contributed to your poor performance. For a person in your position, I wouldn`t be so worried about the participants of this survey, but rather concentrate on the work itself.”
“I understand, sir”
“If you have any other questions, I will be more than happy to answer them, Ms.Wright.”
His last question was devastating, yet he uttered it so politely, that there was not the slightest doubt – he hated my guts. I ran out of the office and nearly fell down the stairs. My mind was clouded by pure rage, the blood in my ears was drumming, my hands were shaking so badly, I thought I was going to drop all the sheets of paper. That night I didn`t sleep much.
The following morning, I was on my way to Dr. Patton`s Mental Hospital.
My patient`s name was Daniel, he was 39 years old, he was said to be in the hospital for a very long time, since he was a young child.
What immediately impressed me was his ability to be focused unlike other participants. Surprisingly, Daniel was very calm. His tranquility could be seen in his hazel eyes which were studying me carefully but not viciously. Unlike his fellow sufferers who were folded into their thoughts and didn`t speak much, he was open and eager to help me.
What Daniel told me started from his answer to my very first question and turned into a story that pierced my heart.
“I remember my childhood as one of the lightest periods in my entire life the details of which I recall so vividly as if it was yesterday. I am a lucky person to be blessed with a twin brother. His name is Phillip. It is so sad and so right at the same time that we realize the exceptional importance of a person in our life only after they are gone. Unlike other brothers who never got along with each other, Phillip and I were inseparable friends since our first verbal contact with each other. In the year of that misfortune I had already felt that something would happen to Phillip, I just couldn`t imagine that this could someday become reality.
Phillip and I are the same age, he is my exact copy. I don`t know whether you will believe me or not, but when we were born, I immediately felt that I had Phillip, that another me was lying next to me. I didn’t have such an extreme and strong connection with my mother, I don’t know why; I love my mother, I am so ashamed to tell you about it, because it`s my mother, but Phillip seemed to become the whole world for me. I remember once I had a great argument with him, because he hid my favorite cap under the bed, and I looked for it all day, I thought that it had disappeared altogether, sat down and burst into tears, I loved that cap so much, even at night I slept with it on my head. So, Phillip stole it and hid it! He stuck it under the bed, I remember how I took it out, it was all dusty, gray, I got afraid that it would be impossible to wash it and began to cry even harder. Phillip entered my room, saw all this, I raised tear-stained eyes at him, and he stood and grinned showing his seven teeth and three holes – recently dropped baby teeth.
I hated him so much at that moment! I jumped all over Phillip, began to thresh him, we fought hard. Then we turned away from each other, and, snorting, silently decided that we would not talk anymore.
Then we went outside for a walk, each of us on his own. So, there I was, playing with Tommy from a neighboring yard, and suddenly I heard a cry, it was Phillip`s cry. I remember how quickly I ran to that courtyard, how hoarsely I breathed. Phillip's screams were no longer heard, I already thought that it was the end, that he was killed or strangled. I ran and thought: “Phillip, shout again! Please shout again!” When I reached the courtyard, I saw that Mike and Bill were holding Phillip`s arms, and Peter was going to hit him in the belly. I saw Phillip`s tortured face, bloody lip and realized that he had been beaten several times in the face. How I trembled then!
I remember fear for myself, not that I was afraid to stand up for my brother, no! I was so shaken, so twisted, that I thought: “How am I going to fight for Phillip now? How can I stand on my feet?” I had never been gripped by any feeling like that. Never, never again I will hate the way I hated these boys that summer in the yard. I pounced on Peter, like a panther and used all the nastiest fighting tricks. I did everything: I scratched him, bit, spat in his face. When we were separated, I suddenly felt something soft in my hands, I opened my fists and saw clumps of Pete`s hair in them. We were immediately taken home, everyone who looked at it, ran away. We never walked past Peter one by one, only the two of us.
By the end of the eleventh grade,we all decided what schools to apply to, all except Phillip. He could not think of anything that he wanted to do. Well, I didn’t understand how such a talented person who read so much, wrote so much (he never stopped writing poetry) couldn't decide where to apply. I suggested finding universities with literature and writing programs. But, as it turned out, we weren`t destined to choose where we would go. Everything about me was clear to everyone, I was determined to go to medical school, but Phillip distressed our father and grandfather, who dreamed of making him a lawyer (with his worldview and delicate soul of the poet). But Phillip hated it, you can’t even imagine, how much he couldn’t bear all these terms, rules, conditions – the elements of law. Phillip was a very kind and fair man, he never wanted to judge people, and they wanted to make him a lawyer or a judge!
I tried to talk to my parents, to stand up for Phillip, to tell them what he really was. But what could I do? My father immediately interrupted me and told me to know my place. Phillip`s brain was so peculiar, that logic and clarity were something like puzzle for him. A year later he got expelled from the university, Phillip failed all his exams.
Our father somehow accepted the fact that Phillip wasn`t destined to become a lawyer, I was a second-year student then, everything in my life was smooth. Phillip was worn out, but that was for another reason, he did not know what to do with himself. Our family looked at him as an outcast.
That year he tried to run away from home. He couldn`t stand the pressure from the family and got a job as a furniture mover, his physical capacity allowed him to perform such kind of work. As soon as our mom learned it, she got sick, stopped talking to him, she was so upset with him, she no longer paid attention to his dirty clothes. She washed and stroked all the family`s clothes, even our grandma`s, but she didn’t touch Phillip`s things anymore. It was the end for him, he loved our mother very much, more than me, I know that. Mother's opinion was very important for Phillip, almost vital. She could swear at him for no reason, simply because she was his mother, he endured and never argued with her, but kept silent and cast his eyes down, she could reprimand him for every false move, he didn't even say anything, she could even give him good licks with grandfather`s belt, Phillip didn`t even cry, he just clenched his fists and teeth, and was quiet, but when our mom refused to fulfill her maternal duties towards him, he broke down. It meant something very serious, like a rejection of love or affection.
I don’t remember what night it was, I just woke up because someone was going somewhere, I didn’t give it much thought, and went back to sleep, but then I got up and realized that Phillip was not in our room. Where was Phillip? I put the first thing that came to hand on, and got outside. I didn`t have to search for him for a long time, he passed over the neighboring courtyard, the very one where Peter beat him, that very Peter who, by the way, died in the army for unknown reasons. I walked up to him and grabbed him by the elbow, he abruptly turned around and stared at me, frightened, you could see it in his wild eyes, he then thought that it was either a maniac or a murderer, or one of us, family members, who wanted to ruin his plans. We stood and shouted at each other all over the street. Neighbors ran to our noise, lights lit in several windows, then five minutes later, our parents and grandparents stood near us. I told them everything, Phillip silently looked down, then my mother went soft, burst into tears and fell into his arms. Phillip started crying like a baby. And then I realized that he wasn`t actually going to run away, he just wanted to find out if our mother really didn’t love him anymore. That was the thing about Phillip, he was quiet, but just for a while and then bang! Everybody was shocked and had no idea he could do such a thing. He was like a volcano, which erupted once a year and people escaped in an absolute panic.
He was hired as an editor (with no higher education) in one of the local journals. You should have seen how proud our father and grandfather were! Their son, who read books during the day, and worked as a furniture mover at night now worked in the editorial office of a city newspaper. Our mother clapped her hands and had a dinner party in honor of this. Phillip glowed with happiness, grandfather opened a bottle of champagne, while grandmother went to buy a cake, she immediately told everyone that her grandson was hired as an editor-in-chief under the leadership of President. After that, neighbors in our court escorted Phillip to work in complete silence and admiration.
Indeed, he was really promoted, only two years later. However, by the end of these two years, Phillip earned as much as our father when he was in his late thirties!
As a student he was working two jobs to fully support his grandparents and they no longer bought medicines with their own money taken from pension, Phillip made himself fully responsible for our grandparents` living expenses. I also remember how he gave my mother a gold bracelet for her birthday and told her that it was from both of us. I turned all red and didn`t know what to say, I didn`t add a penny for mother's gift, since I had squandered all my pocket savings a few days before the holiday. Phillip helped me out, he didn`t even tell me anything about the present, didn`t show the bracelet. Of course, mom burst into tears, went to the bathroom to wash the spreading mascara from her face, Phillip followed her to put the bracelet on her hand, and I remember how I heard mother saying: "I hope you know how much I love you, Phillip".
Our first serious fight happened in adulthood, and it happened because of a girl. God forbid any girl to stand between two brothers! So, that was my time to get a girlfriend. Norah and I just helped each other with our studies, sometimes we did laboratory work together, at student parties and concerts we always sat together. Well, it`s not that I liked her, not at all, it was just that I felt at ease with her, she understood me. She was calm, fair, kind, she listened to everything that I said with a half-smile on her face. Once, Norah became seriously ill, she had such a severe flu that she was hospitalized and she didn`t attend the university for a month. It was then that I realized that I was lost without her. I wasn`t just sad, lonely or dreary, as these are the feelings that most of us have almost every day, they are usual, they are not so destructive. And I felt pain, do you understand it? Some sort of unbearable desire to be where she was, and only then would I become calmer, that's how I felt. As if a very necessary thing inside me was lost and I urgently needed to find it, otherwise there would be no way out. She became something like a very necessary pill for pain in the whole body that you need to buy as quickly as possible. I howled from longing for Norah. I went to her hospital. I spent all my hours with her. All my thoughts were only about her. Phillip understood everything at once, he comforted me, and sometimes he went with me to see her.
When Norah got out from the hospital, there were May holidays, and I stayed at her house to help her with the studies as she had a lot to cover after her illness. There was no one at home. I tried to kiss her, but she was shy and pretended that she wanted to focus on the lectures that I brought. I wasn`t offended by her refusal, I went crazy with happiness, as if the whole world had been given to me. I bragged to Phillip that I had kissed Norah, but my brother just laughed at me. Mom and Dad found out about Norah and asked to invite her around for tea. She then finally recovered and became even prettier than she was. That day she was wearing a light pink dress, white sandals and a high ponytail. Phillip was still at work. He came two hours later, on that day he had an important meeting, so he had to be at work in a business suit. He came in his black, ironed suit with a stack of important files in his hands, in wire-rimmed glasses, a sort of city slicker! Norah absently answered all further questions as if she had not heard them. Grandma noticed it and asked to open the windows so that Norah could feel better. I didn`t let her do that as Norah had only recently recovered from the flu. Finally, she asked to be taken home, she felt a little sick. I did so, near the porch she told me that she would call me that night and tell how she was feeling. I waited, she didn’t do it, then I called her myself but her mother came to the phone and said that she had a fever and went to bed early. I went to her house the next day, she felt better, but something has changed in her. I didn`t understand then what it was and asked her to say what my mistake was, if it was, maybe I said something wrong that day at dinner? She was silent. I decided not to put pressure on her; perhaps she was worried about her future exams.
Every day, Norah was pulling away from me more and more, I should`ve realized it earlier when she stopped holding my hand, saying that it was hot outside, and she had a sweaty palm. Oh, I was ready to get on my knees and burst into tears into that sweaty palm, I was so much afraid! But I didn`t say anything, I pretended that I understood everything. By the end of the summer session, we had simply greeted each other like distant acquaintances. By early September, I saw Norah and Phillip near the cinema, not far from my university, they were kissing. Sudden anger, overmastering hatred flared up in me, rage blinded my eyes, and for a moment it seemed to me that I couldn`t see anything except white light. I hated Phillip, I wished him dead that day, and wanted her to see him die. I turned around and left because I saw that all the students from our university noticed us and began to gather around the statue under which they stood. The twin brother was kissing my girlfriend. And frankly, I myself wouldn`t miss such a spectacle if I were someone else!
The next evening we had our fight. First, we hit each other in the face then we rode all over the sandbox, which we eventually completely broke down. I don’t remember how we fought and beat each other, I only remember that Phillip didn’t really try to move away from my punches, as if he understood that he was guilty. I also remember that he constantly muttered “Daniel, forgive me!” We were separated by grandfather and father, grandfather hit me on the head with his cane, then he did the same to Phillip, I had never seen him screaming so loudly, my father held my hands so that I couldn`t come and touch Phillip. Only then did I see how much he had been crippled, he was all red and purple; as a medical student, I examined his condition, it was extremely difficult, in a day he would turn into a dark purple octopus. And so it happened, the next day he couldn`t get out of bed because of pain in his whole body, his two eyes turned into lilac dumplings, he could not open them, his mouth was completely blown out, his ear was almost torn off. Of course, it hurt when we fought of course, I got warning punches from him so that I would stop beating him, but the most painful thing for me was when my mother, seeing Phillip, cracked my cheek, and Phillip, barely holding on legs said "Mom, don`t hit him, I am guilty, I deserve it". We didn’t talk with him for a month, or rather I didn’t. By the way, he dumped Norah the day after our fight. We never spoke to each other after that. That`s how I came to be here”.
Daniel`s story came to an end. He stopped talking and became silent, I woke up and moved into the real world. Here we were sitting in the same dark room, looking into each other`s eyes. Mine were full of tears, I didn`t quite understand what really happened between those two brothers, but his sad story touched my heart so I was softly crying and not knowing what to say.
When I walked out of his room and saw the nurse, I immediately asked her to explain to me what had exactly happened to Daniel. It turned out that he really had a twin brother who had the same disease and had to undergo the same treatment. They were separated immediately after birth and never in their lives saw each other because their parents decided to place them in different hospitals. I got the name of the hospital where Phillip was being treated and went there. I met Daniel`s exact copy. Twins are twins. When I asked him to participate in the survey he agreed to do it. Phillip started expressing his thoughts which shrunk to the small hard point of his only reason for living which was reconciliation with Daniel. The story that he told me was precisely the same one that Daniel had. I was listening to him and couldn`t believe that it was all real, that these two brothers who had never in their lives seen each other had the same childhood in their minds, the same imaginary characters, the same story of life where they loved each other, explored the world together, fought because of the girl named Norah and finally broke the bond. Their feelings were so identical that Phillip admitted being guilty for stealing his brother’s girlfriend. They were waiting for the release from the hospital to come back to one another. As I was listening to Phillip I understood that I caught him and his brother being young boys at the dawn of their selfhood and came to an end of their living together. I returned to Daniel`s hospital and told the nurse everything I heard from Phillip. I asked whether I could be allowed to arrange their first meeting and got a negative answer. No. Under no circumstances were they allowed to see each other. I wanted to exchange letters with them as they were interesting for me not only in terms of psychology but of simple human contact. My suggestion was denied. I never saw them again. Daniel died of a heart attack three months later. Phillip passed away on the same day with a difference of fifteen minutes, the same difference they had at birth – Daniel was the first one to be born, Phillip came along fifteen minutes later.